“Running. Walking. Healthy Lifestyle.” does convey the purpose of the store, but not much else. Why should I go to my local running shop instead of ordering online?

The second line, “Our expertise means the right fit for you,” may be true, but it isn’t stated in the way a customer speaks. Customers don’t care about “expertise.” They want shoes that will be comfortable and they want to know they’ll be treated with respect, even if they’re new to athletics.

And third, “No two feet are exactly alike…” That’s true, but what does it mean to the customer?

Let’s look at how I rewrote this section.

From the first line, I wanted to encourage everyone, regardless of ability, to feel comfortable coming in to Tri & Run. This line, “From Mall Walkers to Marathoners, We’re All Athletes,” is meant to inspire anyone thinking of getting more exercise to feel included. If you know that your local running store has something for you, even if you’ve never considered yourself an athlete, you’re much more likely to stop in. The line also doesn’t alienate the more experienced exerciser.

The heading below, “We’re on Your Team,” reinforces the idea of community and respect, and makes the customer feel as if they’re not alone in their (possibly intimidating) journey.

The copy that follows hints at the other reason you should come in to Tri & Run over ordering online. You can only get their free shoe fittings in the store. And why do you want their fitting? Because better-fitting shoes mean more time doing what you love.

We close this section with another reminder, “We’re here to help because Exercise is for Everyone. “ Again I’m saying, don’t be intimidated if you’re new to this. We got you.

The original line, “A Unique Experience,” is about as un-unique as it gets. It could apply to any visit to any store in the world. They do emphasize wanting the customer to feel comfortable, but nothing about how that is unique.

The second paragraph asks if your doctor referred you. Again, they want people with injuries or difficulties with exercise to feel at home here, but that’s unrelated to the experience being unique.

“Experienced and friendly staff” in the third paragraph introduces yet another idea. How is this unique and, more importantly, what does it mean to the customer?

This store is an obvious choice for experienced athletes, and I wanted to include them in my audience. But it might be a bit intimidating for a new exerciser, so in this section, I focused on many possible reasons someone might have for getting healthier. The point of this copy is to remind the potential customer that they will be welcomed, no matter their level or fitness goal.

The graphic further down the page explains the process, so the heading is mismatched to the copy here.

The copy is touching on the overwhelming process and the ever-changing models (of shoes, I assume), but not in a way that is reassuring or inviting to the customer.

Since the upcoming graphic explains HOW the fitting process happens, I explained WHY it happens here. Many people have had bad experiences with exercise, but the right shoes can eliminate that. If you let us fit you properly, the copy points out, you’ll be more successful and have more fun.

The header and copy here are repetitive and wordy. The steps are outlined using jargon like “biomechanical considerations,” which isn’t something a customer is concerned about.

The steps are clearer here because there are no unnecessary or repetitive words. I’ve eliminated jargon to make sure the customer isn’t intimidated by the process.

Testimonials are great! However quotes, rather than the word Testimonial, was all that was needed.

This isn’t only the recommendation of a customer, but of a qualified surgeon. Let’s highlight that it’s a professional endorsement!